katriona_s (katriona_s) wrote,

in a slump

Yesterday afternoon my sister and her family are gone, I again have a peaceful quiet life alone with my mother and Tako. So on this precious quiet holiday I try to write something... though at the moment I can't. For years I have enjoyed to write a kind of essay or diary (in Japanese) on the domestic SNS (in old days, on some coterie booklet) to share my experiences or exchange the opinions with my local friends. But since the beginning of last year I have lost the energy or motivation, stopped posting to SNS. For months I have tried to write again something ... anything, just a diary, or how I felt about certain film or book etc. The reason I stopped writing was ...how can I say? I keenly felt that there were too, too many waffle in this world recently (clearly because of many kind of SNS), everyone write big about many difficult or delicate things as if they were the authorities, self-righteously and self-complacently. I suddenly felt really disgusting about those cheap and mass writings everywhere. And at the same time felt a deep self-doubt if my own writing had any meaning. Mine might (or must, I'm afraid) be also another example of those poor, self-complacent writing. But now, after having not written anything for months, I feel I can't live calmly without it, I've felt guilty or like neglecting something important all the while - yes literally all the while, even on my work time or in the bed, always - so try to write again recently. But about what? In a short I'm in a serious slump and still cannot give up my writing. In the past I've received praise for my writing occasionally from my friends or acquaintances - some of them were not amateur - and I've simply believed that I was not so bad about writing, this faith has been one of the meanings of my life, now I realize it keenly. I have known very well that this is the main reason of the depression and unhappiness of my life all the while, though on the usual life I've been too busy or tired to think about it well. Now on the holiday I again feel I need to get out of this slump otherwise I can't feel calm. How and where can I start?
Tags: thought

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