katriona_s (katriona_s) wrote,
katriona_s
katriona_s

perplexing

I write this just to sort out my feelings. Writing might purify my feelings.
Today it's cold though fine, we have beautiful sunshine. But in the office I feel quite depressed apparently without any particular reasons. Though I feel like this is a kind of trauma, my subconscious mind cannot forget how unreasonably, unrequitedly I was treated in the office when I have done the big job by myself last year, and my mind refuse to make such unrewarded effort again. Now I do another job - not bad one, the one I rather like and can use my skill, but sometimes I find it's very difficult to feel any motivation. If they give me just the salary and nothing else - the understanding, sympathy, respect and appreciation, then why should I do more then the least work? And my current job is something with no manual, we(I do this job with my boss and 1 younger worker) have to think and find how to do it by ourselves therefore the motivation, positive attitude and talking & working together are indispensable. But one of the problems is that I have little conversation with the boss, cannot imagine what he is thinking about the difficulty of this task, and I can't trust him so don't want to talk to him anymore. In such situation it's very hard to do a good job. This kind of perplexing thinking is useless so usually I try not to think about the situation, try just to do my job. Though I feel this "don't think" effort doesn't seem to be mentally healthy... :(
Tags: daily life, thought
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