katriona_s (katriona_s) wrote,

I'm depressed

After cherry blossoms gone now flowering dogwood is beautiful everywhere. It's quite popular as garden tree or roadside tree though it's not native here, first given from USA as gift at the beginning of the 20th century, I heard.

By the way... the following is just a kind of whining but I somehow need to sort out my feelings and write ths down.

Lately, I've been felt depressed for weeks. I feel joy and happiness when I see spring flowers and fresh leaves in the sunshine, when I'm relaxing with Mr.Uma, when I eat out with friends, when I read my favorite books etc. But at the same time, basically, I feel blue, can't help feeling like I'm wasting my precious time always, wasting my whole life without doing something important and meaningful.
I know that even when we feel sad if we try to smile then the situation could be bearable but recently I tend to hang my head down when I walk, no smile at all. To cheer myself up I sometimes go out, or do shopping, see the film but all of those effort look like just deception.

It's not a good idea to count what we don't have, rather we should count what we own. And luckily I have many things I can count. ....I'm decently healthy, I have - though not enough but - some intelligence and humour, moderate job and income, a nice new house and garden, my family are well, I have a lovely rabbit, not many but some good friends, not enough but some English skill with which I can communicate with my foreign friends, memories of the foreign travels I have done for over 25 years ... yes I know I'm quite fortunate to have them. Still, despite all of my fortune I have not able to "enjoy" my life for weeks... no, "enjoy" is not the right word... I can't approve my own life.

And this is not the topic one can talk about with friend. For "being unhappy" is kind of a shame, no one should show his disadvantage to others. I'm not young now still I feel "my life shouldn't be like this" - I might have felt it most of my life - this is the real shame. We should have learn what is the best way of life for ourselves. I knew some answers, how I should go but the problem is that I can't do them though I know most of the answers of the problems. Because I'm just lazy? Lazy, and wasting all my time, my life. This is the worst thought which haunts me always. I've felt this since my childhood, since when I was very young. Sometimes I can forget it but at the moment, every morning when I wake up the first thing I think is this disgusting thought.
Tags: daily life, thought

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