katriona_s (katriona_s) wrote,

the worst day

Anger. Unpleasantness. Disgust. to the unfairness, no proper reward, etc. I know well that there is no fairness in this world, I have known it too well still...

Because I feel too unpleasant to do my job, I write this now in the office in Wednesday morning. Every motivation has vanished since yesterday afternoon. I've been suffering from this unproductive, meaningless and negative feeling since then as I carried out nothing for the company. I hate this useless situation badly but at the present I'm so full of aggressive feeling to my boss, my coworker and the company I work for, I'm just trying to be calm and waiting for this aggressive feeling would fade otherwise I would say something I should never talk about. Actually I'm writing this just to calm myself down. I know I'm wasting my skill and talent, my precious time, my life in this fucking office but at the same time I have no energy to quit here and find another job. So of course I'm angry at myself most.

Maybe I'm a bit mentally abnormal, being so upset just because of the stress in the office. I've experienced this sometimes in the past but fortunately not recently, also I did never need to go to a mental hospital. But I know in my mind there is a thick layer of sediment of dissatisfaction, anger and misery never being healed, accepted nor understood all my life, and sometimes they demand to burst out and be noticed by other people. But there are never "other people" in the whole world who would really care about the mental condition of others, I've kept them in the bottom of my mind. Wouldn't some kind terrorist attack this fucking building, destroyed this fucking office and kill everybody except me?

In the middle of the afternoon my anger and hatred faded, so I did my job. But the hours of mental turmoil made me exhausted, in the evening I was quite dispirited. And my anger is still burning quietly like charcoal fire somewhere in my mind, it has never ceased during the last few years and exhausted me, always. Sorry for this unpleasant post, but I need to detoxify my cruel feeling by writing it down.
Tags: daily life, thought

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