katriona_s (katriona_s) wrote,
katriona_s
katriona_s

The closed door

Again, the melancholy or disappointment I've known too well.

Since when I was a junior high school student I have been attracted by the things of foreign origin, the things which it's difficult to get the information about or find other people who are interested in here in Japan. It's the reason I'm so accustomed to go to the big library or secondhand bookshops, to travel abroad (often to very uncommon places) for very particular purpose. This "searching the information about the things I love" has given me many unusual experience, great memories and wonderful friends for years, so usually I highly appreciate them. But at the same time this love for the "not-familiar-here" things has given me the countless frustrations, vexation, feeling of helplessness and despair.

OK, I'll write concretely.
I'm an ardent reader of the famous Scottish author Robert Louis Stevenson for... I dare say almost all my life, but unfortunately my English skill is far from enough to enjoy his works in original English and I have no choice but reading them in Japanese translations. I've read all the translation of his works and the books about him written in or translated into Japanese I believe, but unfortunately they are quite few compared to an enormous amount of books published in English-speaking country. There are many important works of him which I've never read because there is no Japanese translation of them.
I've also tried to read some English books, visited all the major museums devoted to him and many other places related with him in various countries for these 20 years. I believe (and my British & American friends guarantee) I know about this Scottich author better than most of the ordinary British or American readers.
Still, I have far little knowledge than which I should have, I can't read many books and articles I should read as a fan of the author because, just because I can't read English well enough while any of the fortunate people who was born in English-speaking countries can access to those books or information anytime.

Well... this frustration or despair is so familiar to me for years, not only about Stevenson,  there are many other things I love but gives me the similar feeling. When my LJ friends talk about some interesting books, or joking each other about English expressions, I cannot join them, feel frustration and isolation, just be silent and think about the unfairness of this world.

Of course I blame no one except myself who haven't studied English enough. And everything has two sides, good and bad, as I mentioned above I think I have many knowledge, experience, memory and friends which other people never have. I know it very well. But when I feel tired or feel blue (and recently I'm almost always tired) the bad side of the thing strike me a lot...
Tags: thought
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