katriona_s (katriona_s) wrote,
katriona_s
katriona_s

just a simple despair at work

Today in the office I have been at a loss. I had totally no idea what to do. I could not think anything at all.

I thought... this hopeless situation might be because of that something's wrong with the task I had been given (actually it's outrageously wrong in many points) so I have waited for this situation to change but nothing has happened for 15 months.
Or, I thought, there might be something wrong with me - physically or mentally - for we cannot think properly when we are sick, and I could not be sure at all of my sanity at work recently. I've been troubled with this situation too long and my energy was exhausted.

I know I have to solve the problem by myself for nobody is under the obligation to help me, and also I know I should ask someone for help if I can not manage the situation by myself. But there is no one who is capable enough or whom I could trust around me in the office so I have not been able to talk to anyone over a year.

I'm writing this, here, just for myself, to keep my sanity and make the situation clear & understand it. I know too well it's a naive illusion that someone would help us when we are really in trouble at work.

Maybe in near future the situation would change, or I would recover from this exhaustion and apathy, I hope. But the reality is worse than the expectation most of time. Lately I feel like I can't hope anymore.
I'm not sure. I'm just... so so so bored with just watching the computer screen all day and pretend to work. Still I could not leave here, I have to earn my living. Patience, patience...

I feel fine and calm except when I'm in the office, but I'm a bit afraid... do I sound insane when I talk about my damned job??
Tags: thought
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